Nobody deserved to win this

Mac Attack is 1–0. The standings will say so all season, and the standings, luckily for Mac Attack, do not come with a box score.

Final: Mac Attack 94.82, Wieners Out LLC 91.36. Put that 94.82 against any other team in the league this week and it loses nine times out of ten. The only team it beats is Drivers Ed with Rashee Rice, which scored 75.14 and is covered elsewhere in this issue, with sympathy.

So how does a score like that win? Mostly Ashton Jeanty. Jeanty scored 32.7, more than a third of the team's total. The other eight starters combined for 62.12, a group effort that featured Colston Loveland at tight end (0.0), Kenny Gainwell at flex (2.8) and Terry McLaurin at receiver (3.4). Drake Maye started at quarterback and scored 9.82 while Brock Purdy scored 21.1 on the bench, because apparently the lineup needed a degree of difficulty.

The rest was special teams. Mac Attack's kicker outscored Wieners Out LLC's kicker 7.0 to 2.0. The Seahawks defense outscored the Broncos defense 14.0 to 2.0. The game was decided by 3.46. Mac Attack won a fantasy football game in the kicking department, which is like winning a debate because the other side's microphone was off.

Wieners Out LLC, for its part, started Jaylen Waddle, who scored 1.2, and lost by less than the gap between the two kickers. That decision gets its own story. It earned one.

Mac Attack will describe this as a win, and it was. It was also 94.82 points of one running back, a kicker and an opponent willing to be slightly more wrong. Mac Attack was, officially, less wrong. Frame it.